SCENE 1: A CHURCHYARD. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter two Clowns, with spades, & mattocks]

FIRST CLOWN

Is she to be buried in Christian burial that

Is she to have a Christian burial

wilfully seeks her own salvation?

despite her suicide in search of heaven?

SECOND CLOWN

I tell thee she is: and therefore make her grave

I’m telling you she is, so make her grave

straight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds it

properly. The coroner has deemed it

Christian burial.

a Christian burial.

FIRST CLOWN

How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her

How can that be, unless she somehow drowned

own defence?

in self-defence?

SECOND CLOWN

Why, 'tis found so.

That’s what they said it was.

FIRST CLOWN

It must be 'se offendendo;' it cannot be else.

So surely then she’s victim and offender.

For here lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly,

But here’s the point: if I drown out of choice,

it argues an act: and an act hath three branches:

I must have had a plan. And there are three parts:

it is, to act, to do, to perform: argal, she drowned

to act; to do; to perform. Therefore, she drowned

herself wittingly.

herself on purpose.

SECOND CLOWN

Nay, but hear you, goodman delver,--

No, steady on, gravedigger…

FIRST CLOWN

Give me leave. Here lies the water; good:

No, hear me out. Here is some water, right?

here stands the man; good; if the man go to this water,

And here’s a man. If he goes to the water

and drown himself, it is, will he, nill he, he goes,--

and drowns himself, like it or not, he’s guilty.

mark you that; but if the water come

You must agree. But if the water comes

to him and drown him, he drowns not himself: argal, he that

to him and drowns him, he can’t drown himself;

is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.

therefore, he’s innocent of suicide.

SECOND CLOWN

But is this law?

But is that the law?

FIRST CLOWN

Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.

Yes, sure it is. The coroner’s law of inquest.

SECOND CLOWN

Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not been

You want to know the truth? If she’d not been

a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o'

part of the gentry, she should not be buried

Christian burial.

with Christian ceremony.

FIRST CLOWN

Why, there thou say'st: and the more pity that

You’re right, exactly! What a shame it is

great folk should have countenance in this world to

within this world the rich can get away

drown or hang themselves, more than their even Christian.

with suicide, unlike us normal Christians.

Come, my spade. There is no ancient

Come on, pass me my spade. There’s never been

gentleman but gardeners, ditchers, and grave-makers:

a trade more honourable than digging graves.

they hold up Adam's profession.

We maintain Adam’s job in Eden’s garden.

SECOND CLOWN

Was he a gentleman?

FIRST CLOWN

He was the first that ever bore arms.

The first with arms, and with a coat of arms.

SECOND CLOWN

Why, he had none.

Get out of here.

FIRST CLOWN

What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand the

Are you a heathen? How d’you read the bible?

Scripture? The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'

The Scripture states that, ‘Adam digged,’ and so

could he dig without arms? I'll put another

how could he dig without his arms? And also,

question to thee: if thou answerest me not to the

I’ve got a question for you: get it right

purpose, confess thyself--

or beg for your salvation…

SECOND CLOWN

Go to.

Get on with it.

FIRST CLOWN

What is he that builds stronger than either the

What d’you call a man who makes things stronger

mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

than a stonemason, shipwright, or carpenter?

SECOND CLOWN

The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a

A gallows-maker, for the frame outlives

thousand tenants.

a thousand people hanged.

FIRST CLOWN

I like thy wit well, in good faith: the gallows does well;

I like your wit; the gallows is a good guess.

but how does it well? It does well to

But then how are they so strong? For they are good

those that do in: now thou dost ill to say the

at killing bad folk. You can’t really say

gallows is built stronger than the church: argal,

gallows are stronger than a church. Therefore,

the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come.

the gallows work for you. But guess again.

SECOND CLOWN

'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or

‘What d’you call a man who makes things stronger

a carpenter?'

than a stonemason, shipwright, or carpenter?’

FIRST CLOWN

Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

Yes, tell me then relax.

SECOND CLOWN

Marry, now I can tell.

Yep, now I got it!

FIRST CLOWN

To't.

Go on then.

SECOND CLOWN

Mass, I cannot tell.

Oh, no I haven’t.

[Enter HAMLET and HORATIO, at a distance]

FIRST CLOWN

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass

Don’t beat yourself up any longer, dumb ass!

will not mend his pace with beating; and, when

By doing so, you still won’t get the answer.

you are asked this question next, say 'a

Next time somebody asks you that same question,

grave-maker:' the houses that he makes last till

tell them a grave-digger: for what they make

doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan: fetch me a

lasts for eternity. Go down to John’s pub

stoup of liquor.

and get a pint of booze.

[Exit Second Clown]

[He digs and sings]

In youth, when I did love, did love,

When I was young and so in love

Methought it was very sweet,

I thought it very sweet

To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove,

to shorten time for my behove

O, methought, there was nothing meet.

and thought that we should meet.

HAMLET

Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he

Is this chap so insensitive that he

sings at grave-making?

is singing whilst he’s digging out a grave?

HORATIO

Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

He’s dug so many, it’s just now a habit.

HAMLET

'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath

I think you’re right, for hands not used to working

the daintier sense.

are far more sensitive.

FIRST CLOWN

[Sings]

But age, with his stealing steps,

But age, with such a subtle hand,

Hath clawed me in his clutch,

Has got me by the ear,

And hath shipped me intil the land,

and buried me within the land

As if I had never been such.

like I was never here.

[Throws up a skull]

HAMLET

That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:

That skull once had a tongue and so could sing;

how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were

that plonker chucks it to the ground as though

Cain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder!

it’s Cain’s jawbone, the world’s first murderer!

It might be the pate of a politician,

It might have been a politician’s skull

which this ass now o'er-reaches;

that this jackass is now throwing about;

one that would circumvent God, might it not?

he once could talk his way around our God.

HORATIO

It might, my lord.

It’s possible, my lord.

HAMLET

Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good morrow,

Or from a nobleman, who’d say ‘Goodnight,

sweet lord! How dost thou, good lord?' This might

sweet lord! How are you, sir?’ This might have been

be my lord such-a-one, that praised my lord

Lord Such-and-Such who praised Lord What’s-his-Name’s

such-a-one's horse, when he meant to beg it; might it not?

horse when he hoped to borrow it, perhaps?

HORATIO

Ay, my lord.

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET

Why, e'en so: and now my Lady Worm's; chapless, and

Indeed, it now belongs to worms; it’s jawless,

knocked about the mazzard with a sexton's spade:

it’s head’s hit by that churchyard digger’s spade.

here's fine revolution, an we had the trick to see't.

How fortunes are reversed if we can see them.

Did these bones cost no more the breeding,

Did someone breed and make these bones to play

but to play at loggats with 'em? Mine ache to think on't.

with them like sticks? It hurts my bones to think so.

FIRST CLOWN

[Sings]

A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,

A pickaxe, and a spade, a spade,

For and a shrouding sheet:

And this here shrouding sheet:

O, a pit of clay for to be made

Oh, a pit of clay for to be made

For such a guest is meet.

[Throws up another skull]

HAMLET

There's another: why may not that be the skull of a

Another one: why can’t that be a skull

lawyer? Where be his quiddities now, his quillets,

of a lawyer? Where’s his essence now,

his cases, his tenures, and his tricks? Why does he

his griefs, his work, his tricks? Why does he suffer

suffer this rude knave now to knock him about the

this scallywag knocking him on the head

sconce with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him of

with a dirty shovel, and won’t reprimand him

his action of battery? Hum! This fellow might be

for this attack? Huh? For this man might have been

in's time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,

a great buyer of land back in his time

his recognizances, his fines, his double vouchers,

with legal claims and deeds and fines and bonds

his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, and

protecting wealth; is this the fine for his fines,

the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine

recovery for his recoveries,

pate full of fine dirt? Will his vouchers vouch him

to end up in the dirt? And will his deeds

no more of his purchases, and double ones too, than

deed him he cannot buy, not even double,

the length and breadth of a pair of indentures?

the length and breadth of his own grave shown here?

The very conveyances of his lands will hardly lie in

The documents of all his lands will barely

FALSE

ha?

fit in this coffin; it’s all he can take, right?

HORATIO

Not a jot more, my lord.

HAMLET

Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

Aren’t legal documents made out of sheepskin?

HORATIO

Ay, my lord, and of calf-skins too.

Yes, my lord, and also made of calfskins.

HAMLET

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance

And only foolish sheep and cows believe

in that. I will speak to this fellow. Whose

in them. I’m going to speak to him. Who’s grave

grave's this, sirrah?

is this one, mate?

FIRST CLOWN

Mine, sir.

[Sings]

O, a pit of clay for to be made

Oh, a pit of clay for to be made

For such a guest is meet.

HAMLET

I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.

I thought it was yours, as you’re lying in it.

FIRST CLOWN

You lie out on't, sir, and therefore it is not

And you lie out of it, so it’s not yours;

yours: for my part, I do not lie in't, and yet it is mine.

although, I don’t lie in it, but it’s mine.

HAMLET

'Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine:

You do lie in it, for you say it’s yours;

'tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

it’s for the dead, and you’re alive. You’re lying.

FIRST CLOWN

Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away gain, from me to you.

It is a lively lie, first mine then yours.

HAMLET

What man dost thou dig it for?

Which man are you digging this for?

FIRST CLOWN

For no man, sir.

HAMLET

What woman, then?

FIRST CLOWN

For none, neither.

HAMLET

Who is to be buried in't?

Who’s going to be buried in it?

FIRST CLOWN

One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.

She was a woman; now, God-bless, she’s dead.

HAMLET

How absolute the knave is! We must speak by the

How picky this twit is! We must speak clearly

card, or equivocation will undo us. By the Lord,

or we’ll be tripped on vagueness. By the Lord,

Horatio, these three years I have taken a note of it;

Horatio, I’ve learnt that well for three years;

the age is grown so picked that the toe of the

everybody now is so refined,

peasant comes so near the heel of the courtier,

that peasants nip the heels of courtiers,

he gaffs his kibe. How long hast thou been a

and seem now much the same. How long’ve you been

grave-maker?

a grave-maker?

FIRST CLOWN

Of all the days i' the year, I came to't that day

On each day of the year. I started when

that our last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras.

our last king Hamlet thwarted Fortinbras.

HAMLET

How long is that since?

How long is that?

FIRST CLOWN

Cannot you tell that? Every fool can tell that:

Oh, can’t you work it out? All fools know that.

it was the very day that young Hamlet was born;

It was the day of younger Hamlet’s birth,

he that is mad, and sent into England.

the one who went mad and got sent to England.

HAMLET

Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?

So tell me then, why was he sent to England?

FIRST CLOWN

Why, because he was mad: he shall recover his wits there;

Because he had gone mad; he’ll get well there;

or, if he do not, it's no great matter there.

or if not, it’s no problem there in England.

HAMLET

Why?

FIRST CLOWN

'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men

No one will notice him; for over there,

are as mad as he.

everybody’s mad.

HAMLET

How came he mad?

What made him mad?

FIRST CLOWN

Very strangely, they say.

It’s very strange, they say.

HAMLET

How strangely?

How strange?

FIRST CLOWN

Faith, e'en with losing his wits.

He simply lost his mind.

HAMLET

Upon what ground?

Where was he?

FIRST CLOWN

Why, here in Denmark: I have been sexton here,

Well, here in Denmark. I’ve worked in this church

man and boy, thirty years.

as man and boy, for thirty years.

HAMLET

How long will a man lie i' the earth ere he rot?

How long’s it take a man to rot away?

FIRST CLOWN

I' faith, if he be not rotten before he die--as we

In truth, if he ain’t rot before he dies—

have many pocky corses now-a-days, that will scarce

for we get rotten corpses now that barely

hold the laying in--he will last you some eight year

can hold themselves intact—he’ll last eight years

or nine year: a tanner will last you nine year.

or maybe nine; a tanner will last nine.

HAMLET

Why he more than another?

Why will he last for longer than the others?

FIRST CLOWN

Why, sir, his hide is so tanned with his trade, that

Well, sir, because his skin’s tanned by his trade

he will keep out water a great while; and your water

and this keeps water out a longer time;

is a sore decayer of your whoreson dead body.

and water makes your lowlife corpse decay.

Here's a skull now; this skull has lain in the earth

Now, here’s a skull; it’s laid within the earth

three and twenty years.

for twenty-three years.

HAMLET

Whose was it?

FIRST CLOWN

A whoreson mad fellow's it was: whose do you think it was?

A stupid mad bloke; whose d’you think it was?

HAMLET

Nay, I know not.

I’ve no idea.

FIRST CLOWN

A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! A' poured a

God damn that silly fool! He poured a flagon

flagon of Rhenish on my head once. This same skull,

of German wine upon my head one time.

sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester.

This skull was Yorick’s skull, the king’s jester.

HAMLET

This?

FIRST CLOWN

E'en that.

Yep, that one.

HAMLET

Let me see.

Let me see it.

[Takes the skull]

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio:

Oh no, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.

a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy:

He was so funny, always making jokes.

he hath borne me on his back a thousand times;

He gave me piggybacks a thousand times,

and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!

and now it makes me sick to think of it.

My gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed

His lips were here that I have kissed so often.

I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols?

Where have your mocking gibes gone? All your capers?

Your songs? Your flashes of merriment,

Your songs? And your hilarious remarks

that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one

that made the table always roar with laughter?

now, to mock your own grinning? Quite chap-fallen?

There’s no one left to tease the way you look.

Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let

Are you upset? Go to my lady’s bedroom

her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must

and tell her even with an inch of makeup

come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio,

she’ll end here. She’ll laugh at that. Horatio,

tell me one thing.

tell me something.

HORATIO

What's that, my lord?

What’s that, my lord?

HAMLET

Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i'

Did Alexander the Great look just like this

the earth?

when he was buried?

HORATIO

E'en so.

Just like that.

HAMLET

And smelt so? Pah!

And smell like this? Eurgh!

[Puts down the skull]

HORATIO

E'en so, my lord.

Just like that, my lord.

HAMLET

To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may

What basic use will we become, Horatio?

not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander,

It’s easy to believe that Alexander’s

till he find it stopping a bung-hole?

ashes are now a plug for a bunghole.

HORATIO

'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so.

You’re over-thinking it to think like that.

HAMLET

No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with

Oh, not at all! But follow with this thought

modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it: as

with open mind, and you’ll see what I mean.

thus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried,

Here goes then: Alexander died; he’s buried,

Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; of

returning into dust; the dust of earth;

earth we make loam; and why of that loam, whereto he

this earth we make to clay; and from that clay,

was converted, might they not stop a beer-barrel?

that’s made from him, why can’t we make a bung?

Imperious Caesar, dead and turned to clay,

Might stop a hole to keep the wind away:

Might plug a hole to keep the wind away:

O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,

Imagine that that earth that ruled the world

Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw!

Might now patch up a hole to stop the cold!

But soft! But soft! Aside: here comes the king.

But, shush! Be quiet! Look, here comes the king…

[Enter Priest, ETC. in procession; the Corpse of OPHELIA, LAERTES and Mourners following; KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, their trains, ETC.]

The queen, the courtiers: who is this they follow?

…The queen, the noblemen. Who are they following?

And with such maimed rites? This doth betoken

And such a simple service? This suggests

The corse they follow did with desperate hand

The corpse they follow, out of desperation,

Fordo its own life: 'twas of some estate.

Took its own life. It must be someone wealthy.

Couch we awhile, and mark.

Let’s hide awhile and watch what’s going on.

[Retiring with HORATIO]

LAERTES

What ceremony else?

Is there more of this ceremony for her?

HAMLET

That is Laertes,

A very noble youth: mark.

A very noble youth. Watch.

LAERTES

What ceremony else?

What other rites are there?

FIRST PRIEST

Her obsequies have been as far enlarged

Her funeral rites have been stretched out as far

As we have warrantise: her death was doubtful;

As we’re allowed; her death was dubious;

And, but that great command o'ersways the order,

And had the king not overruled procedure,

She should in ground unsanctified have lodged

She’d have been buried in unholy ground

Till the last trumpet: for charitable prayers,

Until the end of days. Instead of prayers,

Shards, flints and pebbles should be thrown on her;

She should have stones and pebbles thrown on her.

Yet here she is allowed her virgin crants,

Yet, here she is, allowed her fresh-cut flowers

Her maiden strewments and the bringing home

And garlands strewn on her as she is buried

Of bell and burial.

With ringing bells as normal.

LAERTES

Must there no more be done?

Can nothing else be done?

FIRST PRIEST

No more be done:

No, nothing else.

We should profane the service of the dead

It would be sacrilegious to the dead

To sing a requiem and such rest to her

To sing the same memorial hymns to her

As to peace-parted souls.

As those who died at peace.

LAERTES

Lay her i' the earth:

Lower her down,

And from her fair and unpolluted flesh

And from her kind and innocent remains

May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest,

May violets bloom! I tell you, spiteful priest,

A ministering angel shall my sister be,

My sister shall become a heavenly angel

When thou liest howling.

While you will howl in hell.

HAMLET

What, the fair Ophelia!

What? The lovely Ophelia!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Sweets to the sweet: farewell!

Sweet flowers for this sweetest girl: goodbye!

[Scattering flowers]

I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife;

I hoped you would have been my Hamlet’s wife;

I thought thy bride-bed to have decked, sweet maid,

I thought I’d throw these on your bridal-bed

And not have strewed thy grave.

And not across your grave.

LAERTES

O, treble woe

Oh, damn it, thrice!

Fall ten times treble on that cursed head,

Ten times be damned and cursed must be the man

Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense

Whose wicked actions robbed your brilliant mind

Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,

From you! Don’t throw the earth on her just yet

Till I have caught her once more in mine arms:

Until I’ve held her in my arms once more.

[Leaps into the grave]

Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead,

Now throw your earth upon the dead and living

Till of this flat a mountain you have made,

Until this flat land’s turned into a mountain

To o'ertop old Pelion, or the skyish head

Higher than Pelion or lofty heights

Of blue Olympus.

Of Mount Olympus!

HAMLET

[Advancing]

What is he whose grief

Who’s the one whose sadness

Bears such an emphasis? Whose phrase of sorrow

Is passionately declared? Whose woeful words

Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand

Makes all the stars stand up and listen to him,

Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I,

Dumbstruck with pain and wonder? It is me,

Hamlet the Dane.

Hamlet the Dane!

[Leaps into the grave]

LAERTES

The devil take thy soul!

The devil take your soul!

[Grappling with him]

HAMLET

Thou pray'st not well.

You don’t pray well.

I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat;

Now, please, remove your fingers from my throat;

For, though I am not splenitive and rash,

For, though I’m not hot-headed and misguided,

Yet have I something in me dangerous,

I have a trait that makes me dangerous

Which let thy wiseness fear: hold off thy hand.

Which you’d do well to fear. Let go of me.

KING CLAUDIUS

Pluck them asunder.

Drag them apart.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet, Hamlet!

ALL

Gentlemen,--

Gentlemen…

HORATIO

Good my lord, be quiet.

Calm down, my dear lord!

[The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave]

HAMLET

Why I will fight with him upon this theme

Well, I will fight with him about this subject

Until my eyelids will no longer wag.

Until my eyes are closed, and closed for good.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O my son, what theme?

Oh, my son, what subject?

HAMLET

I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothers

I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers

Could not, with all their quantity of love,

Could not, if all their love was added up,

Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?

Exceed my love. What would you do for her?

KING CLAUDIUS

O, he is mad, Laertes.

Oh, he is mad, Laertes.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

For love of God, forbear him.

Leave him alone, for love of God!

HAMLET

'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do:

By Jesus’ wounds, show me what you would do.

Woo't weep? Woo't fight? Woo't fast? Woo't tear thyself?

Would you cry? Or fight? Or starve? Or cut yourself?

Woo't drink up eisel? Eat a crocodile?

Would you drink vinegar? Eat crocodile?

I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine?

I’d do it. Did you just come here to whine?

To outface me with leaping in her grave?

To out-do me by jumping in her grave?

Be buried quick with her, and so will I:

Be buried alive with her? I’d do that too.

And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throw

And if you rant of mountains, let them spew

Millions of acres on us, till our ground,

Their lava on us, till the ground’s as high

Singeing his pate against the burning zone,

To scorch its peak against the burning sun;

Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,

Mount Ossa will be wart-sized! If you rant,

I'll rant as well as thou.

I’ll rant as well as you.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

This is mere madness:

This must be madness:

And thus awhile the fit will work on him;

He’ll stay within this state a while longer;

Anon, as patient as the female dove,

But then, just like a nesting female dove

When that her golden couplets are disclosed,

When both her golden pigeons have been hatched,

His silence will sit drooping.

He’ll sit there still, exhausted.

HAMLET

Hear you, sir;

Listen, sir:

What is the reason that you use me thus?

What’s causing you to treat me such a way?

I loved you ever: but it is no matter;

I’ve always loved you, but that doesn’t matter;

Let Hercules himself do what he may,

Whatever tough-guy Hercules may say,

The cat will mew and dog will have his day.

Let cats be cats; this dog will have its day.

[Exit]

KING CLAUDIUS

I pray you, good Horatio, wait upon him.

I ask you, good Horatio, care for him.

[Exit HORATIO]

[To LAERTES]

Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech;

Stay patient after what we said last night;

We'll put the matter to the present push.

We’ll solve this problem quickly with our plan.

Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.

Good Gertrude, have some men observe your son.

This grave shall have a living monument:

This grave will have an ever-lasting headstone.

An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;

We soon will have the peace that we desire;

Till then, in patience our proceeding be.

Till then, with patience we’ll let time transpire.

[Exeunt]