SCENE 3: FRIAR LAURENCE'S CELL. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter FRIAR LAURENCE]

FRIAR LAURENCE

Romeo, come forth; come forth, thou fearful man:

Romeo, come here; come here, you frightened man:

Affliction is enamoured of thy parts,

Misfortune is a quality of yours,

And thou art wedded to calamity.

And trouble follows everywhere you go.

[Enter ROMEO]

ROMEO

Father, what news? What is the prince's doom?

Father, what’s news? What is the prince’s verdict?

What sorrow craves acquaintance at my hand,

What sorrow wants to shake me by the hand

That I yet know not?

That I don’t know of yet?

FRIAR LAURENCE

Too familiar

You’re too familiar

Is my dear son with such sour company:

My dear son with such terrible misfortune:

I bring thee tidings of the prince's doom.

I bring you news about the prince’s verdict.

ROMEO

What less than dooms-day is the prince's doom?

Well, is his verdict less than execution?

FRIAR LAURENCE

A gentler judgment vanished from his lips,

He ordered lesser punishment than that:

Not body's death, but body's banishment.

Your body mustn’t die, but it is banished.

ROMEO

Ha, banishment! Be merciful, say 'death;'

What, I am banished? Kindly, say it’s “death;”

For exile hath more terror in his look,

For I’m more scared of living life in exile

Much more than death: do not say 'banishment.'

Than I am scared of death. Don’t say I’m banished.

FRIAR LAURENCE

Hence from Verona art thou banished:

From this time on, you’re banished from Verona;

Be patient, for the world is broad and wide.

ROMEO

There is no world without Verona walls,

There is no world beyond Verona’s walls,

But purgatory, torture, hell itself.

Except for purgatory and hell itself.

Hence-banished is banished from the world,

So, banished from Verona is total exile,

And world's exile is death: then banished,

And exile from the world is death; thus banished

Is death mis-termed: calling death banishment,

Is just another word for death; and banished,

Thou cutt'st my head off with a golden axe,

You cut my head off with a golden axe,

And smilest upon the stroke that murders me.

And smile as you observe the stroke that kills me.

FRIAR LAURENCE

O deadly sin! O rude unthankfulness!

You’re badly wrong! You’re rudely unappreciative!

Thy fault our law calls death; but the kind prince,

Your penalty in law is death; the kind prince,

Taking thy part, hath rushed aside the law,

By siding with you, brushed aside the law,

And turned that black word death to banishment:

And changed the penalty of death to exile.

This is dear mercy, and thou seest it not.

That’s merciful, yet you don’t seem to see that.

ROMEO

'Tis torture, and not mercy: heaven is here,

It’s torture, and not mercy. Heaven’s here,

Where Juliet lives; and every cat and dog

And little mouse, every unworthy thing,

And little mouse, and every simple creature

Live here in heaven and may look on her;

Lives in this heaven where they all can see her.

But Romeo may not: more validity,

But I may not. There’s more value to life,

More honourable state, more courtship lives

A better way to live, and there’s more love

In carrion-flies than Romeo: they my seize

In flies on rotten meat than is in me:

On the white wonder of dear Juliet's hand

Those flies can sit on Juliet’s white hand

And steal immortal blessing from her lips,

And steal a blessing with a kiss from her lips,

Who even in pure and vestal modesty,

Which even though they’re pure and virginal,

Still blush, as thinking their own kisses sin;

They blush, thinking that lips that tough are sinful.

But Romeo may not; he is banished:

But I can’t touch them; I must live in exile.

Flies may do this, but I from this must fly:

Those flies can kiss her, but I have to fly off;

They are free men, but I am banished.

The flies are free, but I myself am banished.

And say'st thou yet that exile is not death?

And yet you try to say exile’s not death?

Hadst thou no poison mixed, no sharp-ground knife,

You didn’t have a poison nor a sharp knife

No sudden mean of death, though ne'er so mean,

To kill me quickly, just a thing so mean

But 'banished' to kill me?--'banished'?

To kill me just by telling me I’m “banished”?

O friar, the damned use that word in hell;

Oh friar, the damned in hell do speak that word;

Howlings attend it: how hast thou the heart,

They howl it out. How do you have the heart,

Being a divine, a ghostly confessor,

As you’re a holy man who we confess to,

A sin-absolver, and my friend professed,

One who forgives our sins, and so-called friend,

To mangle me with that word 'banished'?

To break my soul by saying that I’m “banished”?

FRIAR LAURENCE

Thou fond mad man, hear me but speak a word.

You foolish mad man, let me say a few words.

ROMEO

O, thou wilt speak again of banishment.

Oh, you will speak again of banishment.

FRIAR LAURENCE

I'll give thee armour to keep off that word:

I’ll give you means to overcome that word:

Adversity's sweet milk, philosophy,

Philosophy will beat adversity,

To comfort thee, though thou art banished.

And give you comfort, even though you’re banished.

ROMEO

Yet 'banished'? Hang up philosophy!

But still I’m banished? Screw philosophy!

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,

Displant a town, reverse a prince's doom,

Transplant a town, reverse the prince’s verdict,

It helps not, it prevails not: talk no more.

There’s no way it can help me, so stop talking.

FRIAR LAURENCE

O, then I see that madmen have no ears.

Oh, now I see that madmen cannot listen.

ROMEO

How should they, when that wise men have no eyes?

How can they, when the wise men cannot see?

FRIAR LAURENCE

Let me dispute with thee of thy estate.

Let me debate your situation with you.

ROMEO

Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not feel:

You cannot speak of what you cannot feel.

Wert thou as young as I, Juliet thy love,

If you were young as me, and loved by Juliet,

An hour but married, Tybalt murdered,

Just married for an hour, Tybalt murdered,

Doting like me and like me banished,

In love like me, and like me, forced to exile,

Then mightst thou speak, then mightst thou tear thy hair,

Then maybe you could speak and pull your hair out,

And fall upon the ground, as I do now,

Taking the measure of an unmade grave.

To take the measurements of your own coffin.

[Knocking within]

FRIAR LAURENCE

Arise; one knocks; good Romeo, hide thyself.

Get up, there’s someone knocking; go and hide.

ROMEO

Not I; unless the breath of heartsick groans,

I will not hide, unless my groaning breath

Mist-like, infold me from the search of eyes.

Forms mist around me, hiding me from others.

[Knocking]

FRIAR LAURENCE

Hark, how they knock! Who's there? Romeo, arise;

Listen to how they knock! Who’s there? Romeo, get up;

Thou wilt be taken. Stay awhile! Stand up;

You will be taken. Wait a minute! Stand up;

[Knocking]

Run to my study. By and by! God's will,

Run to my study. Wait a moment! In God’s name

What simpleness is this! I come, I come!

Don’t be so stupid! Hang on, I am coming!

[Knocking]

Who knocks so hard? Whence come you? What's your will?

Who knocks so hard? From where? And what do you want?

NURSE

[Within]

Let me come in, and you shall know my errand;

Let me come in, then you’ll know what I’m here for;

I come from Lady Juliet.

FRIAR LAURENCE

Welcome, then.

[Enter Nurse]

NURSE

O holy friar, O, tell me, holy friar,

Oh holy friar, oh, tell me, holy friar,

Where is my lady's lord, where's Romeo?

Where is my lady’s lord, where’s Romeo?

FRIAR LAURENCE

There on the ground, with his own tears made drunk.

There lying on the ground, drunk from his tears.

NURSE

O, he is even in my mistress' case,

Oh, he is acting like my mistress is,

Just in her case! O woeful sympathy!

Exactly like her! Tragic sympathy!

Piteous predicament! Even so lies she,

Piteous predicament! She lies the same way,

Blubbering and weeping, weeping and blubbering.

Stand up, stand up; stand, and you be a man:

Stand up, stand up; stand up and be a man:

For Juliet's sake, for her sake, rise and stand;

For Juliet’s sake, for her sake, rise and stand up;

Why should you fall into so deep an O?

Why do you have to groan so wretchedly?

ROMEO

Nurse!

NURSE

Ah sir! Ah sir! Well, death's the end of all.

Yes sir! Well, all’s not lost, for you’re alive.

ROMEO

Spakest thou of Juliet? How is it with her?

Have you spoken to Juliet? How is she?

Doth she not think me an old murderer,

Does she not think that I’m a murderer,

Now I have stained the childhood of our joy

Now I have harmed our early days of courtship

With blood removed but little from her own?

By killing one to whom she is related?

Where is she? And how doth she? And what says

Where is she? And how is she? What does she say,

My concealed lady to our cancelled love?

My secret wife, about our cancelled love?

NURSE

O, she says nothing, sir, but weeps and weeps;

Oh, she says nothing sir, but weeps and weeps;

And now falls on her bed; and then starts up,

Then falls upon her bed; and then gets up

And Tybalt calls; and then on Romeo cries,

And calls out Tybalt’s name, and then calls your name,

And then down falls again.

Then falls back down again.

ROMEO

As if that name,

It’s like my name

Shot from the deadly level of a gun,

Shoots at her from the barrel of a gun

Did murder her; as that name's cursed hand

And murders her, just as the one she spoke of

Murdered her kinsman. O, tell me, friar, tell me,

Has killed her cousin. Tell me, friar, tell me,

In what vile part of this anatomy

In what horrendous organ in my body

Doth my name lodge? Tell me, that I may sack

Does my name live? Tell me, so I can cut out

The hateful mansion.

That hateful part of me.

[Drawing his sword]

FRIAR LAURENCE

Hold thy desperate hand:

Put your sword down:

Art thou a man? Thy form cries out thou art:

Are you a man? You look as though you are:

Thy tears are womanish; thy wild acts denote

Your tears are womanlike; your wildness states

The unreasonable fury of a beast:

You have the fury of an angry beast;

Unseemly woman in a seeming man!

You seem an upset woman in a man!

Or ill-beseeming beast in seeming both!

Or worse, a beast within a man and woman!

Thou hast amazed me: by my holy order,

You have amazed me: by my holy powers,

I thought thy disposition better tempered.

I thought your character was better tempered.

Hast thou slain Tybalt? Wilt thou slay thyself?

Have you killed Tybalt? Will you kill yourself?

And stay thy lady too that lives in thee,

And will you kill the lady you are wed to

By doing damned hate upon thyself?

By doing something awful to yourself?

Why rail'st thou on thy birth, the heaven, and earth?

Why fight against your birth, heaven and earth?

Since birth, and heaven, and earth, all three do meet

For birth, heaven and earth have all combined

In thee at once; which thou at once wouldst lose.

At once to make you, which you’ll now destroy.

Fie, fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy love, thy wit;

Goodness, you’ll shame your body, love and mind,

Which, like a usurer, abound'st in all,

Which, like a moneylender, you are rich in,

And usest none in that true use indeed

But do not use them as they were intended

Which should bedeck thy shape, thy love, thy wit:

To decorate your body, love and mind:

Thy noble shape is but a form of wax,

This makes your body no more than a waxwork,

Digressing from the valour of a man;

Devoid of the integrity of man;

Thy dear love sworn but hollow perjury,

Your marriage vows were empty promises,

Killing that love which thou hast vowed to cherish;

Destroying love that you promised to cherish;

Thy wit, that ornament to shape and love,

Your mind, coordinating love and body,

Misshapen in the conduct of them both,

Is twisted by the conduct of them both,

Like powder in a skitless soldier's flask,

Like unskilled soldiers’ gunpowder containers

Is set afire by thine own ignorance,

That they ignite through their incompetence

And thou dismembered with thine own defence.

And kill themselves with that meant to protect them.

What, rouse thee, man! Thy Juliet is alive,

Find strength, young man! Your Juliet’s alive,

For whose dear sake thou wast but lately dead;

And for her sake, you thought that you had died;

There art thou happy: Tybalt would kill thee,

You should be happy. Tybalt tried to kill you,

But thou slew'st Tybalt; there are thou happy too:

But you killed Tybalt: that should make you happy.

The law that threatened death becomes thy friend

The law that calls for death became your friend

And turns it to exile; there art thou happy:

Changing to exile; that should make you happy:

A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back;

A bunch of blessings have been poured upon you,

Happiness courts thee in her best array;

And happiness is trying to cheer you up;

But, like a misbehaved and sullen wench,

But, like a misbehaving, grumpy girl,

Thou pout'st upon thy fortune and thy love:

You moan about your circumstance and love.

Take heed, take heed, for such die miserable.

Now, listen: men like that die miserable.

Go, get thee to thy love, as was decreed,

Go out and see your lover, per your marriage,

Ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her:

Climb to her bedroom, and then comfort her.

But look thou stay not till the watch be set,

But do not stay until the guards start watch,

For then thou canst not pass to Mantua;

For then you cannot get to Mantua,

Where thou shalt live, till we can find a time

Where you will live until we find the time

To blaze your marriage, reconcile your friends,

To celebrate your marriage, with your friends,

Beg pardon of the prince, and call thee back

And ask the prince to pardon you, returning

With twenty hundred thousand times more joy

Than thou went'st forth in lamentation.

Than you had when you left despondently.

Go before, nurse: commend me to thy lady;

Nurse, go ahead; send Juliet my blessings;

And bid her hasten all the house to bed,

And have her hurry everyone to bed,

Which heavy sorrow makes them apt unto:

Which, due to sadness, will seem pertinent:

Romeo is coming.

NURSE

O Lord, I could have stayed here all the night

Oh Lord, I could have stayed here through the night

To hear good counsel: O, what learning is!

To hear such good advice: what education!

My lord, I'll tell my lady you will come.

My lord, I’ll tell my lady you are coming.

ROMEO

Do so, and bid my sweet prepare to chide.

Do so, and say she must prepare to blame me.

NURSE

Here, sir, a ring she bid me give you, sir:

Here, sir, here is a ring she asked I give you:

Hie you, make haste, for it grows very late.

Now, hurry up, for it is getting late.

[Exit]

ROMEO

How well my comfort is revived by this!

I’m feeling so much better after this!

FRIAR LAURENCE

Go hence; good night; and here stands all your state:

Go now; goodnight; and don’t forget the plan:

Either be gone before the watch be set,

You either leave before the guards start watch,

Or by the break of day disguised from hence:

Or, if it’s daybreak, leave there in disguise.

Sojourn in Mantua; I'll find out your man,

Decamp to Mantua; I’ll find your servant

And he shall signify from time to time

And he will signify from time to time

Every good hap to you that chances here:

All of the good things that have happened here.

Give me thy hand; 'tis late: farewell; good night.

Give me your hand; it’s late: goodbye, goodnight.

ROMEO

But that a joy past joy calls out on me,

If I weren’t beckoned by the one I swoon,

It were a grief, so brief to part with thee:

It would be painful leaving you so soon.

Farewell.

Goodbye.

[Exeunt]