SCENE 4: A STREET. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO]

MERCUTIO

Where the devil should this Romeo be?

Where the devil is our Romeo?

Came he not home to-night?

Didn’t he come home last night?

BENVOLIO

Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.

Not to his father’s house; I asked his servant.

MERCUTIO

Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline,

That pasty, heartless bitch, that Rosaline

Torments him so, that he will sure run mad.

Torments him so much, she will make him mad.

BENVOLIO

Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet,

Tybalt, the relative of Capulet,

Hath sent a letter to his father's house.

Has sent a letter to his father’s house.

MERCUTIO

A challenge, on my life.

A challenge, I will bet.

BENVOLIO

Romeo will answer it.

MERCUTIO

Any man that can write may answer a letter.

BENVOLIO

Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he

No, he will challenge the letter’s writer, and he who dares

dares, being dared.

challenge him will have his dare accepted.

MERCUTIO

Alas poor Romeo! He is already dead; stabbed with a

Oh dear, poor Romeo! He is already dead: stabbed by

white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a

that white bitch’s dark eyes; shot through the ear with a

love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the

love-song; pricked through his heart by the

blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to

arrow of the blind boy Cupid; and is he man enough

encounter Tybalt?

to fight with Tybalt?

BENVOLIO

Why, what is Tybalt?

Why, what makes Tybalt so tough?

MERCUTIO

More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is

He’s more than Tybalt from the folk tale, that’s for sure. He is

the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as

the master at standing on ceremony. He fights like

you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance, and

he is reading sheet music, keeping time, distance and

proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and

rhythm; he takes his time on cue, one, two, then strikes

the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk

the third thrust to your heart; he’ll swipe off any silk

button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the

button he chooses, for he’s a brilliant fencer; a gentleman from

very first house, of the first and second cause:

the finest fencing school, who’ll fight for any reason.

ah, the immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hai!

Ah, the forward thrust! The backhand thrust! The heart thrust!

BENVOLIO

The what?

You what?

MERCUTIO

The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting

The verbal diarrhoea of pompous, waffling

fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents! 'By Jesu,

egotists; they spout loads of new nonsense! “By Jesus,

a very good blade! A very tall man! A very good

what a very good fencer! An excellent man! A very good

whore!' Why, is not this a lamentable thing,

son-of-a-bitch!” Well, isn’t this a dreadful thing,

grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with

young boy, that we must be exposed like this to

these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these

these odd flies, these fashionistas, these over formal

perdona-mi's, who stand so much on the new form,

pardonnez-moi’s, who rigorously follow current fashion

that they cannot at ease on the old bench?

so much so they can’t relax when sitting down on a bench.

O, their bones, their bones!

Oh, their bones! Their aching bones!

[Enter ROMEO]

BENVOLIO

Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.

MERCUTIO

Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh,

He’s looking thin, like a dried herring without roe in its belly;

how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers

oh flesh, you’ve turned into a fish! Now he just thinks of poems

that Petrarch flowed in: Laura to his lady was but a

of love that Petrarch wrote: compared to his, Petrarch’s Laura

kitchen-wench; marry, she had a better love to

is just a kitchen slave, although she had a better lover to

be-rhyme her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;

write poems about her; Dido was a floozy; Cleopatra a gipsy;

Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey

Helen and Hero were good-for-nothing trollops; Thisbe’s grey

eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior

eyes were quite nice, but not compared to Rosaline’s. Signior

Romeo, bon jour! There's a French salutation

Romeo, bonjour! There’s a French greeting

to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit

to match your baggy French pantaloons. You tricked us

fairly last night.

good and proper last night.

ROMEO

Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?

Good morning to you both. What trick did I play on you?

MERCUTIO

The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?

The slip, sir, the slip; don’t you recall that?

ROMEO

Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in

Sorry, good Mercutio, I had higher priorities; and in

such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.

such circumstances as mine, one must be a little rude.

MERCUTIO

That's as much as to say, such a case as yours

That’s like saying that a case such as yours

constrains a man to bow in the hams.

makes a man bend at the knee.

ROMEO

Meaning, to court'sy.

Meaning to bow like a curtsy.

MERCUTIO

Thou hast most kindly hit it.

That’s about right.

ROMEO

A most courteous exposition.

That’s a polite interpretation.

MERCUTIO

Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.

Well I am the very embodiment of politeness.

ROMEO

Pink for flower.

Like a pink flower.

MERCUTIO

Right.

Precisely.

ROMEO

Why, then is my pump well flowered.

Right, then my shoes are ready, as I’m ready for pumping.

MERCUTIO

Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast

Well said: keep on using this joke until you have

worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it

worn out your shoes, so that when the sole of your shoe

is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.

is worn out, the joke will remain though your shoes have gone.

ROMEO

O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness.

That’s such a thin joke, it’s like a thin sole of a single shoe.

MERCUTIO

Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.

Come and intervene, Benvolio; I can’t take much more of this.

ROMEO

Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.

Keep up the banter, or else I’ll declare victory.

MERCUTIO

Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have

No, if your jokes are just a wild-goose chase, then I

done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of

give up, for you have more wild-goose in one of

thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five:

your jokes than, I am sure, I have in all of my five.

was I with you there for the goose?

Was I right in calling it a wild-goose chase?

ROMEO

Thou wast never with me for any thing when thou wast

You weren’t right about anything when you weren’t

not there for the goose.

with me looking for women.

MERCUTIO

I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.

I will bite your ear off for that joke.

ROMEO

Nay, good goose, bite not.

Oh no, goose-man, don’t bite me!

MERCUTIO

Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most

Your wit is bittersweet; it’s like a

sharp sauce.

sharp tasting apple sauce.

ROMEO

And is it not well served in to a sweet goose?

And isn’t that the sauce you serve with goose?

MERCUTIO

O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an

Oh, you’ve a wit like stretchy leather, that stretches from an

inch narrow to an ell broad!

inch to fourty-five inches broad!

ROMEO

I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added

I stretched it for that word ‘broad’; which when added

to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.

to the goose, makes you an enormous broad goose.

MERCUTIO

Why, is not this better now than groaning for love?

Well, isn’t this more fun than groaning out of love?

Now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art

You’ve opened up again, back to being Romeo, back to

thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature:

your old self, by how you look as well as how you act:

for this drivelling love is like a great natural,

because moping over love is like acting the fool,

that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.

one who runs about trying to hide his tickling stick in a hole.

BENVOLIO

Stop there, stop there.

MERCUTIO

Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.

You want me to stop my tale before I’m done.

BENVOLIO

Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.

Yes, else your tale will drag along too long.

MERCUTIO

O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short:

You’ve got that wrong; I would have it short,

for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and

for I was just getting to the heart of my tale; and

meant, indeed, to occupy the argument no longer.

planned to not carry on talking any longer.

ROMEO

Here's goodly gear!

Here’s some fine attire!

[Enter Nurse and PETER]

MERCUTIO

A sail, a sail!

A sail! Here comes a sail!

BENVOLIO

Two, two; a shirt and a smock.

There’s two of them; a man in a shirt and a woman in a smock.

NURSE

Peter!

PETER

Anon!

I’m coming!

NURSE

My fan, Peter.

Bring me my fan, Peter.

MERCUTIO

Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the

Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan has

fairer face.

a much prettier face than hers.

NURSE

God ye good morrow, gentlemen.

God give you a good morning, gentlemen.

MERCUTIO

God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.

God give you a good afternoon, lovely lady.

NURSE

Is it good den?

Is it now afternoon?

MERCUTIO

'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the

It is no earlier, I tell you, because the short hand of the

dial is now upon the prick of noon.

clock is now pricking noon.

NURSE

Out upon you! What a man are you!

Get out of here! What kind of man are you!

ROMEO

One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself

I am a man, gentlewoman, that God has made for himself

to mar.

to ruin.

NURSE

By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,'

I tell you, he’s got that right; ‘for himself to ruin,’

quoth a'? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I

he says? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I

may find the young Romeo?

ROMEO

I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when you

have found him than he was when you sought him:

have found him than he was when you went looking for him:

I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

I’m the youngest person with that name, for better or for worse.

NURSE

You say well.

You speak well.

MERCUTIO

Yea, is the worst well? Very well took, i' faith;

Yes, is the worst of us well spoken? I’d take that if I were you;

wisely, wisely.

you’d be wise to do so.

NURSE

If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.

If you are him, sir, I would like to talk to you in private.

BENVOLIO

She will indite him to some supper.

She will indite – I mean ‘invite’ – him out for supper.

MERCUTIO

A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!

A whore, a whore, a whore! Let’s go then!

ROMEO

What hast thou found?

What have you found out?

MERCUTIO

No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie,

She’s not a whore, sir; unless she is a hare in a pie made for lent

that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.

that’s gone stale and mouldy before anyone had eaten it.

[Sings]

An old hare hoar,

A mouldy old hare

And an old hare hoar,

And a mouldy old hare,

Is very good meat in lent

Is good meat in barren lent,

But a hare that is hoar

But a hare that has rot

Is too much for a score,

Ain’t worth paying what you got,

When it hoars ere it be spent.

When it’s mouldy before it is spent.

Romeo, will you come to your father's?

Romeo, will you come to your father’s house?

We'll to dinner, thither.

We’ll all go to dinner there together.

ROMEO

I will follow you.

MERCUTIO

Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,

Goodbye, you old bag; goodbye,

[Singing]

'lady, lady, lady.'

“lady, lady, lady.”

[Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO]

NURSE

Marry, farewell! I pray you, sir, what saucy

Indeed, goodbye! Please tell me, sir, who was that cocky

merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?

salesman, so full of himself and his own jokes?

ROMEO

A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk,

and will speak more in a minute than he will stand

to in a month.

still in a month.

NURSE

An a' speak any thing against me, I'll take him

If he said anything rude to me, I’ll take him

down, an a' were lustier than he is, and twenty such

down, even if he were ruder than he is, and twenty fools

Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll find those that shall.

like him; and if I can’t, I’ll find some people who can.

Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am

Vulgar scallywag! I’m not one of those flirty girls; I’m

none of his skains-mates. And thou must stand by

not one of his slapper friends. And do you have to stand about

too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure?

as well, and watch all these fools make fun of me for pleasure?

PETER

I saw no man use you a pleasure; if I had, my weapon

I saw no man use you for pleasure; if I had, my weapon

should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare

would have been quickly drawn, I assure you. I dare

draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a

draw my sword as soon as another man does, if I see a reason

good quarrel, and the law on my side.

for a worthy fight, and the law is on my side.

NURSE

Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about

Now, by God I say, I am so annoyed that every part of my body

me quivers. Scurvy knave! Pray you, sir, a word:

is shaking. Vulgar scallywag! Please, sir, can I have a word:

and as I told you, my young lady bade me inquire you out;

and as I told you, my young lady asked me to talk to you;

what she bade me say, I will keep to myself:

what she asked me to ask you, I’ll keep to myself:

but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into

but first let me tell you, if you are leading her

a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross

up the garden path, as they say, that is terrible

kind of behaviour, as they say: for the gentlewoman

behaviour, as they say. For the gentlewoman

is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double

is young, and so, if you are two-timing

with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered

her, that is a truly awful thing to do

to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.

to any gentlewoman, and very weak behaviour.

ROMEO

Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress.

Nurse, speak highly of me to the lady you serve.

I protest unto thee--

I urge you to…

NURSE

Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell her as much:

You have a good heart, and I promise I will tell her as much:

Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.

ROMEO

What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.

What will you tell her, nurse? You are not listening to me.

NURSE

I will tell her, sir, that you do protest; which, as

I will tell her, sir, that you state your feelings strongly, which

I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.

as I see it, is a gentlemanly thing to do.

ROMEO

Bid her devise

Tell her to come up with

Some means to come to shrift this afternoon;

A plan to make an oath this afternoon;

And there she shall at Friar Laurence' cell

And she will then, at Friar Laurence’ chapel,

Be shrived and married. Here is for thy pains.

Confess and marry me. Here’s money for you.

NURSE

No truly sir; not a penny.

No, truly sir, you don’t owe me a penny.

ROMEO

Go to; I say you shall.

Go on, I say you must.

NURSE

This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.

This afternoon, sir? Well, she will be there.

ROMEO

And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey wall:

And wait, good nurse, behind the abbey wall;

Within this hour my man shall be with thee

Within an hour, my servant will arrive

And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair;

To bring to you a ladder made from rope

Which to the high top-gallant of my joy

Which I will use to climb the balcony

Must be my convoy in the secret night.

To meet my lover secretly at night.

Farewell; be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains:

Goodbye, and keep my secret; I’ll reward you.

Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.

Goodbye, and recommend me to your mistress.

NURSE

Now God in heaven bless thee! Hark you, sir.

Now God in heaven bless you! Listen, sir.

ROMEO

What say'st thou, my dear nurse?

What do you have to say, dear nurse?

NURSE

Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,

Can your man keep a secret? People say,

Two may keep counsel, putting one away?

“Two men keep secrets when one man’s away.”

ROMEO

I warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.

I can assure you my man can be trusted.

NURSE

Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady--Lord, Lord!

Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady. Good Lord!

When 'twas a little prating thing:--O, there

When she was a little baby…Oh, there

is a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain

is a nobleman in town, called Paris, who would love

lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as life

to make love to her; but she, good girl, would rather

see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her

go out with a toad than with him. I make her angry

sometimes and tell her that Paris is the properer

sometimes and tell her that Paris is a more handsome

man; but, I'll warrant you, when I say so, she looks

man; but I tell you, when I say so, she goes

as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not

as white as any cloth within the whole world. Don’t

rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?

rosemary and Romeo both begin with the same letter?

ROMEO

Ay, nurse; what of that? Both with an R.

Yes, nurse; so what? Both begin with R.

NURSE

Ah, mocker! That's the dog's name; R is for

Ah, jocker! “Argh’s” the sound a dog makes; R is for

the--No; I know it begins with some other

the…oh, no; I know arse begins with another

letter:--and she hath the prettiest sententious of it,

letter. And she talks eloquently about it,

of you and rosemary, that it would do you good

about you and rosemary, so it would do you good

to hear it.

to hear her.

ROMEO

Commend me to thy lady.

Recommend me to your lady.

NURSE

Ay, a thousand times.

I will, a thousand times.

[Exit Romeo]

Peter!

PETER

Anon!

I’m here!

NURSE

Peter, take my fan, and go before and apace.

Peter, take my fan, and go ahead of me, and quickly.

[Exeunt]