SCENE 2: OLIVIA'S HOUSE. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter MARIA and Clown]

MARIA

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

No, come along, put on this gown and beard,

make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate:

and make him think you’re Sir Topas the priest.

do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Chop, chop, meanwhile I’ll call Sir Toby in.

[Exit]

CLOWN

Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't;

I’ll wear it and disguise myself completely,

and I would I were the first that ever

I wish I were the first fraudster to wear

dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to

a gown like this. I’m hardly fat enough to

become the function well, nor lean enough to be

look the part, nor thin enough to be

thought a good student; but to be said an honest man

a careful student, but being called an honest man

and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a

and housekeeper is just as good as called

careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

careful and smart. My conspirators are here.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Jove bless thee, master Parson.

God bless you, Master Parson.

CLOWN

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit

Buenos dias, Sir Toby. For, as the hermit

of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily

of Prague, who couldn’t read or write, said laughing

said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'

to King Gorboduc’s niece, “What is, will be”,

so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson;

and so as Master Parson, I’m a parson,

for, what is 'that' but 'that', and 'is' but 'is'?

for “what” is “what”, and “is” will be.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To him, Sir Topas.

Go see Malvolio, Sir Topas, now.

CLOWN

What, ho, I say! Peace in this prison!

What’s happening here, I ask! Peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

That fool disguises well. An able fool.

MALVOLIO

[Within]

Who calls there?

Who’s calling out?

CLOWN

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

The priest Sir Topas, here to see Malvolio

the lunatic.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Sir Topas? Good, Sir Topas, see my lady…

CLOWN

Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man!

Vacate this man, foul devil! You’ve confused him

Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

and now he talks of nothing but the ladies.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Well said, Master Parson.

Well said there, Master Pastor.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged:

Sir Topas, someone’s never been so wronged.

good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad:

Dearest Sir Topas, do not think I’m mad.

they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

They’ve put me here in total darkness…

CLOWN

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

Quiet, you lying devil! I am speaking

modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones

politely to you, for I am a kind man

that will use the devil himself with courtesy:

who will address the devil with decorum.

sayest thou that house is dark?

You say this place is dark?

MALVOLIO

As hell, Sir Topas.

As dark as hell, Sir Topas.

CLOWN

Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,

But there are windows that are clear like railings,

and the clearstores toward the south north are as

and upper windows open north and south,

lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of

shine out like ebony, yet you complain

obstruction?

you can’t see anything?

MALVOLIO

I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Sir Topas, I’m not mad; it’s dark in here.

CLOWN

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness

Madman, you’re wrong. There is no darkness here,

but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than

except your ignorance; you’re more confused than

the Egyptians in their fog.

wandering Egyptians in the fog.

MALVOLIO

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

This house is dark as ignorance, I tell you,

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there

if ignorance was as dark as hell. A man

was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you

has never been so badly treated. I'm no

are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

more mad than you. So, test me with a question.

CLOWN

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

What is Pythagoras’s view of wildfowl?

MALVOLIO

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

That grandma’s soul might live inside a bird.

CLOWN

What thinkest thou of his opinion?

What do you think of his opinion?

MALVOLIO

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

I respect the soul, and don’t agree with him.

CLOWN

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:

Goodbye. You will remain here left in darkness.

thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will

You will believe Pythagoras’s views

allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock,

before you’re sane, and fear to kill a bird

lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

in case it is your gran. Goodbye.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Topas! Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY BELCH

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

My beautiful Sir Topas!

CLOWN

Nay, I am for all waters.

No, I can play at any given role.

MARIA

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown:

You could have done that minus beard and gown.

he sees thee not.

He cannot see you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

Talk in your own voice to him, and tell me how

thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this

you find him. I would like to stop all this

knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered,

tomfoolery. If there’s a way to stop this,

I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with

let’s do so, for I’m in a lot of trouble

my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this

already with my niece and can’t continue

sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

without getting in more. Come to my room soon.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

CLOWN

[Singing]

'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

“Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.'

Tell me how your lady is.”

MALVOLIO

Fool!

Fool?

CLOWN

'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

“My lady is unkind indeed.”

MALVOLIO

Fool!

CLOWN

'Alas, why is she so?'

“Oh dear, why is she so?”

MALVOLIO

Fool, I say!

CLOWN

'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

“She loves another…” Who is calling?

MALVOLIO

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand,

Good fool, I will forever treat you well

help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:

if you give me a candle, pen, ink, and paper.

as I am a gentleman, I will live to be

As a gentleman, I’ll be forever

thankful to thee for't.

thankful to you for that.

CLOWN

Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

Ay, good fool.

Yes, dear fool.

CLOWN

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Oh dear, what was it made you go insane?

MALVOLIO

Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused:

There’s never been a man so badly treated.

I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

I am as sane as you, dear fool.

CLOWN

But as well? Then you are mad indeed,

As sane as me? Then you are mad indeed,

if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

if you’re no saner than a silly fool.

MALVOLIO

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,

They’ve locked me up in here, in total darkness,

send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to

and sent me priests—the silly fools!—to make me

face me out of my wits.

go quite insane by saying that I’m mad.

CLOWN

Advise you what you say; the minister is here.

Be careful what you say. The priest is here.

Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

Malvolio: the heavens make you sane.

Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain

Try going to sleep and then stop talking all

bibble babble.

that drivel.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas!

CLOWN

Maintain no words with him, good fellow.

Don’t speak to him again, good fellow.

Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.

Who me, sir? No I won’t! Goodbye, Sir Topas.

Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

Well, then, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Fool! Fool! Fool, I say!

CLOWN

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir?

Yes sir, just wait. What do you want to say?

I am shent for speaking to you.

I’ve just been told I cannot talk to you.

MALVOLIO

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper:

Good fool, please help me get some light and paper.

I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

I tell you, I’m as sane as any man here in Illyria.

CLOWN

Well-a-day that you were, sir.

Well that’ll be the day, sir!

MALVOLIO

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

I promise I am. Good fool, some ink, paper,

light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:

and light; and write a message to my lady.

it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing

You’ll do better delivering this than from

of letter did.

anything you’ve done before.

CLOWN

I will help you to't. But tell me true,

I’ll help you with it. Tell me first the truth:

are you not mad indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?

are you not mad or are you just pretending?

MALVOLIO

Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Believe me, I’m not mad. I speak the truth.

CLOWN

Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see

I won’t believe a madman till I see

his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

his brains. I’ll get a light and ink for you.

MALVOLIO

Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree:

Fool, I’ll return the favour best I can.

I prithee, be gone.

But get those things, be gone.

CLOWN

[Singing]

I am gone, sir,

And anon, sir,

and anon, sir,

I'll be with you again,

I’ll be with you again,

In a trice,

In a moment,

Like to the old Vice,

an opponent,

Your need to sustain;

You need to remain.

Who, with dagger of lath,

Who with dagger of wood,

In his rage and his wrath,

and up to no good,

Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

cries “a-ha” to the devil;

Like a mad lad,

Pare thy nails, dad;

“Clip your wings, dad!

Adieu, good man devil.

Goodbye, respectable devil.”

[Exit]