SCENE 5: OLIVIA'S HOUSE. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter MARIA and Clown]

MARIA

Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will

No, either tell me where you’ve been, or I

not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in

will keep my lips shut, and I won't defend you.

way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

My lady's going to hang you for your absence.

CLOWN

Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this

Let her hang me, for he that is well hung

world needs to fear no colours.

has nothing left to fear.

MARIA

Make that good.

How do you mean?

CLOWN

He shall see none to fear.

When dead, you can’t be scared.

MARIA

A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that

A thin, pathetic answer. I can tell you

saying was born, of 'I fear no colours'.

where that phrase comes from, “nothing left to fear”.

CLOWN

Where, good Mistress Mary?

From where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA

In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

From war; but you don't know that as a fool.

CLOWN

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those

Well, God give further wisdom to the wise,

that are fools, let them use their talents.

and let the fools be foolish as they can be.

MARIA

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,

But you’ll be hanged for being gone so long.

to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Or fired from your job, and that’s the same, right?

CLOWN

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,

Many bad marriages are saved by hanging,

for turning away, let summer bear it out.

and if I’m fired, I’ll while away the summer.

MARIA

You are resolute, then?

You’re dead-set, then?

CLOWN

Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

Not dead-set, but I’m certain of two points.

MARIA

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both

That if one of your braces breaks, one holds;

break, your gaskins fall.

but if both break, your pantaloons fall down?

CLOWN

Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if

Touché, you said that well. Now, shuffle off.

Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a

If there’s a day Sir Toby quits the booze,

piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

you’ll be Illyria’s funniest lady.

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my

Shut up, you goon, I’ve heard enough. Here comes

lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

my lady. Do your best with your excuses.

[Exit]

CLOWN

Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!

So, come on wit, give me some funny gags.

Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft

Those smart folk that so often think they’re funny

prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may

turn out to be the fools, and I’m not funny

pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?

so they might think I’m wise. How goes the saying?

'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”

[Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO]

God bless thee, lady!

God bless you, lady!

OLIVIA

Take the fool away.

CLOWN

Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

You heard her gentleman: remove the lady.

OLIVIA

Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:

Clear off, you dry old fool. I’m done with you.

besides, you grow dishonest.

Besides, you’re now dishonest.

CLOWN

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel

Madonna, there are two faults that drink and guidance

will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is

will overcome. With drink, a dry old fool’s

the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend

no longer dry. Ask the dishonest man

himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest;

to mend his ways; if so, he’s not dishonest;

if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing

if no, we’ll let the tailor patch him up.

that's mended is but patched: virtue that

Things fixed are patched; for when somebody good

transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that

does wrong, they’re patched with sin, and when a sinner

amends is but patched with virtue. If that this

does good, he’s patched with good. If these two statements

simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,

are right, then so be it. If not, what shall

what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but

we do? When someone’s wife has been unfaithful,

calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take

that’s trouble, like a flower approaching winter.

away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

So, as the lady said, remove the fool.

OLIVIA

Sir, I bade them take away you.

It’s you I told them all to take away.

CLOWN

Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non

Injustice at its worst! Wearing a cloak

facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not

does not make you a monk. That’s just the same

motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to

as me not wearing costumes in my mind.

prove you a fool.

Madonna, let me prove you are a fool.

OLIVIA

Can you do it?

Can you do that?

CLOWN

Dexterously, good madonna.

With great dexterity, my good madonna.

OLIVIA

Make your proof.

Go on then, prove it.

CLOWN

I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse

I must cross-question you, madonna. Answer

of virtue, answer me.

my questions, like a well-intentioned mouse.

OLIVIA

Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

For lack of something better, I will listen.

CLOWN

Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Madonna, tell me why you are in mourning?

OLIVIA

Good fool, for my brother's death.

Because my brother’s dead, you fool.

CLOWN

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

I think his soul’s in hell, my good madonna.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

I know his soul resides in heaven, fool.

CLOWN

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's

Then you’re the fool, madonna, for you’re mourning

soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

your brother’s soul in heaven. Take the fool, gents!

OLIVIA

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?

Do you think this fool gets funnier, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:

I do, and he’ll get funnier with age,

infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the

until he dies. Old age degrades the wise

better fool.

but makes the fools more funny.

CLOWN

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the

God send you hastily to old age, sir,

better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be

for then you might be funny. And Sir Toby

sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his

is sure that I’m not crafty, but there’s no way

word for two pence that you are no fool.

that he won’t bet against that you’re a fool.

OLIVIA

How say you to that, Malvolio?

What do you say to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a

My Lady, I’m amazed you take enjoyment

barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day

from this unfunny twerp. I saw him flummoxed

with an ordinary fool that has no more brain

the other day by a pathetic fool

than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard

whose brain was made of stone. He’s given up

already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to

already. And unless you line his gags up,

him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,

he’s stumped. I take these wise men that are laughing

that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better

at these pre-scripted jokes as nothing better

than the fools' zanies.

than sidekicks of the Jester.

OLIVIA

Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste

You are so vain, Malvolio, you’re tainted

with a distempered appetite. To be generous,

by poisoned taste. To be more kind and generous,

guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those

with open mind, just take the things he says

things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:

as pops to scare the birds, not cannon fire.

there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do

The words are not offensive from a fool,

nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet

although he prattles on; and there’s no prattling

man, though he do nothing but reprove.

from wise men who do nothing but chastise.

CLOWN

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou

Now may the god of cheating help you lie,

speakest well of fools!

for you are talking fondly of the fools!

[Re-enter MARIA]

MARIA

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much

My lady, a young gentleman’s arrived

desires to speak with you.

and he is very keen to speak to you.

OLIVIA

From the Count Orsino, is it?

Has he been sent by Count Orsino, then?

MARIA

FALSE

attended.

I don’t know. He's attractive, and there are others with him.

OLIVIA

Who of my people hold him in delay?

Which of my staff are keeping him at bay?

MARIA

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

Your relative, Sir Toby, madam.

OLIVIA

Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman:

Oh, stop him, please! He’s always talking nonsense.

fie on him!

Just shove him off!

[Exit MARIA]

Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count,

Go check, Malvolio. If it’s a message from the Count,

I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

I’m sick, or out; get rid of him somehow.

[Exit MALVOLIO]

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and

Now look, sir, you must notice how your jesting

people dislike it.

is wearing thin and irritating people.

CLOWN

Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest

You praise fools like you’d want your eldest son

son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains!

to be a fool! Thank goodness he is brainy,

For,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a

for—here he comes—your relative most lacking

most weak pia mater.

in basic intellect.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH]

OLIVIA

By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

Good gracious, you’re half drunk! Who’s at the door?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A gentleman.

OLIVIA

A gentleman! What gentleman?

A gentleman? What gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these

A gentleman is there. Those pickled herrings

pickle-herring! How now, sot!

have made me sick! How are you, silly man?

CLOWN

Good Sir Toby!

Good, Sir Toby.

OLIVIA

Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

Now, cousin, why the lethargy this early?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

Lechery? I’m not lecherous. Someone’s here.

OLIVIA

Ay, marry, what is he?

I know. Who is it?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not:

The devil, if he likes, for all I care.

give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

God’s looking after me. Well, there you go.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

What's a drunken man like, fool?

What is a drunken man like, fool?

CLOWN

Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man:

He’s like a drowned man, and a fool, and mad.

one draught above heat makes him a fool;

One drink too many, he becomes a fool;

the second mads him; and a third drowns him.

the second turns him mad; the third, he drowns.

OLIVIA

Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my

Go find the coroner; have him preside

coz; for he's in the third degree of drink,

over my cousin, for he’s third-stage drunk,

he's drowned: go, look after him.

and, therefore, drowning. Go look after him.

CLOWN

He is but mad yet, madonna;

He’s only at the mad stage now, madonna;

and the fool shall look to the madman.

but I will go and take good care of him.

[Exit]

[Re-enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you.

Madam, that young man's adamant he'll speak to you.

I told him you were sick; he takes on him to

I told him you were sick; he said he knew that,

understand so much, and therefore comes to speak

and that's the reason why he's come to speak

with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to

with you. I told him that you were asleep;

have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore

he knew that too, and that's the reason why

comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,

he’s here to speak to you. What should I say,

lady? He's fortified against any denial.

my lady? He’s determined to rebut excuses.

OLIVIA

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Go tell him that he cannot speak with me.

MALVOLIO

Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your

I’ve told him that, and he said that he’d wait

door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to

outside your doorway like a lamppost, leaning

a bench, but he'll speak with you.

upon a bench until he speaks to you.

OLIVIA

What kind o' man is he?

What kind of man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, of mankind.

Well…he’s just like a man.

OLIVIA

What manner of man?

What type of man?

MALVOLIO

Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

He’s very rude. He'll speak, like it or not.

OLIVIA

Of what personage and years is he?

What does he look like, and how old is he?

MALVOLIO

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for

Not old enough to be a man, nor young

a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a

enough to be a boy; he’s like a pea seed

cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him

before it is a pod; a pip, no apple.

in standing water, between boy and man. He is very

He’s like the turning tide, not man nor boy.

well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly;

He’s handsome, with an oddly high-pitched voice.

one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

You'd think he's just weaned off his mother's milk.

OLIVIA

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

Let him come in. Go get my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Oh, gentlewoman, come; my lady wants you.

[Exit]

[Re-enter MARIA]

OLIVIA

Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.

Give me my veil and cover up my face.

We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

Let’s hear Orsino’s begging pleas again.

[Enter VIOLA, and Attendants]

VIOLA

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

Which of you is the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

Speak to me; I shall answer for her.

Speak to me. I’ll answer for her.

Your will?

What do you want?

VIOLA

Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I

Most radiant, exquisite, unmatched beauty,

pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,

please state if you’re the lady of the house,

for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away

for I have not seen her before. I’d hate

my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned,

to waste my speech, for, though it’s been well written,

I have taken great pains to con it.

I’ve gone to great lengths just to memorise it.

Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn;

You lovely ladies, don’t make fun of me;

I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

I’m over-sensitive to criticism.

OLIVIA

Whence came you, sir?

Where are you from, sir?

VIOLA

I can say little more than I have studied, and that

I can’t say more than I have memorised;

question's out of my part. Good gentle one,

I didn’t learn that part. Good gentle lady,

give me modest assurance if you be the lady

give me some reassurance you’re the lady

of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.

of this house, and then I’ll begin my speech.

OLIVIA

Are you a comedian?

Are you an actor?

VIOLA

No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs

Oh goodness, no! But I must reassure you

of malice I swear, I am not that I play.

my speech’s words are not coming from me.

Are you the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

If I do not usurp myself, I am.

If I don’t overthrow myself, I am.

VIOLA

Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp

Indeed, if you are her, you overthrow

yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours

yourself; for all the love you have to give

to reserve. But this is from my commission:

can’t be reserved by you. But I digress.

I will on with my speech in your praise,

I’ll get on with my speech that praises you

and then show you the heart of my message.

and demonstrates the essence of my message.

OLIVIA

Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

Cut to the bits that matter; drop the praise.

VIOLA

Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

I’m sorry, but I learned it; it's poetic.

OLIVIA

It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,

Then it’s more likely insincere. I ask you

keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,

drop the praise. I heard that you were rude

and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you

outside; I let you in because I’m curious

than to hear you. If you be not mad,

to see you, not to hear you. If you’re sane,

be gone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of

clear off; else, keep it brief. Now’s not the time

moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

for me to listen to you waffling.

MARIA

Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.

Will you be setting sail, sir? Here’s the exit.

VIOLA

No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer.

No, deck-hand, I’ll moor here a little longer.

Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady.

Please pacify your giant maid, dear lady.

Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

Speak on; tell me your thoughts. I’m just the messenger.

OLIVIA

Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when

Surely you have an awful thing to say

the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

because you have been god-awfully rude.

VIOLA

It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of

It’s just for you to hear. I’m not declaring

war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my

a war, or seeking tax. An olive branch

hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

I offer in my hand; I’m here in peace.

OLIVIA

Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?

But you were rude. Who are you? What do you want?

VIOLA

The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I

The rudeness that appeared in me I learnt

learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I

from those who greeted me. Now what I am

would, are as secret as maidenhead;

and want are secret, like virginity.

to your ears, divinity, to any other's, profanation.

For your ears only; no one else can hear.

OLIVIA

Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

Leave us alone. I’ll listen to this secret.

[Exeunt MARIA and Attendants]

Now, sir, what is your text?

Now, sir, what is your message?

VIOLA

Most sweet lady,--

Most sweet lady—

OLIVIA

A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.

A decent opening, quite comforting;

Where lies your text?

I’ll give you that. Where is the message written?

VIOLA

In Orsino's bosom.

Upon Orsino’s chest.

OLIVIA

In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

Upon his chest? Where on his chest is it?

VIOLA

To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

To tell the truth, it lies within his heart.

OLIVIA

O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

I’ve read that, and I don’t believe it. What else?

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA

Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate

Have you permission from your lord to speak

with my face? You are now out of your text:

directly to my face? You’re now off script.

but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.

But I’ll lift up my veil and show my face.

Look you, sir, such a one I was this present:

Look, here’s a portrait how I look today.

is't not well done?

It’s rather nice, right?

[Unveiling.]

VIOLA

Excellently done, if God did all.

It’s beautiful, if that’s how God intended.

OLIVIA

'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.

It’s as I am, and won’t change with the weather.

VIOLA

'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white

It is a blended beauty, red and white,

Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:

Made by the sweet and cunning hand of nature.

Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,

Lady, you are the cruellest person living

If you will lead these graces to the grave

If you will take your beauty to the grave

And leave the world no copy.

Without leaving a child here of your own.

OLIVIA

O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give

Oh, sir, I’d never be so cruel! I’ll list

out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be

each element of beauty, to include

inventoried, and every particle and utensil

each part and particle of me, all listed

labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,

and labelled as I want: an item—lips,

indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them;

reddish; an item—two grey eyes, with lids;

item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were

an item– neck; a chin; and so forth. Were

you sent hither to praise me?

you sent to praise me here?

VIOLA

I see you what you are, you are too proud;

I see you as you are, and you’re too proud.

But, if you were the devil, you are fair.

But gorgeous, even if you were the devil.

My lord and master loves you: O, such love

My lord and master loves you, and such love

Could be but recompensed, though you were crowned

Should be rewarded even if you were

The nonpareil of beauty!

Unequalled in your beauty.

OLIVIA

How does he love me?

VIOLA

With adorations, fertile tears,

With words of deep affection, and with tears,

With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

Combined with thunderous groans of tender love.

OLIVIA

Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:

Your lord knows my opinion. I can’t love him.

Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,

Although I guess he’s nice, and know he’s rich,

Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;

With lots of land, and innocently young;

In voices well divulged, free, learned and valiant;

Folk say he’s kind and clever, and he’s brave,

And in dimension and the shape of nature

And by the way he stands and of his posture,

A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;

They say he’s gracious. But I cannot love him.

He might have took his answer long ago.

He should have got the message long ago.

VIOLA

If I did love you in my master's flame,

If I loved you with all my master’s passion,

With such a suffering, such a deadly life,

With so much suffering, like death in life,

In your denial I would find no sense;

Rejecting me would not make any sense.

I would not understand it.

OLIVIA

Why, what would you?

What would you do?

VIOLA

Make me a willow cabin at your gate,

I’d make a wooden cabin at your gate

And call upon my soul within the house;

And there I’d pray that you would want my soul;

Write loyal cantons of contemned love

I’d write you songs of love between two people

And sing them loud even in the dead of night;

And sing them loud into the dead of night,

Halloo your name to the reverberate hills

Praising your name to echo through the hills

And make the babbling gossip of the air

And make the blowing air whisper your name,

Cry out 'Olivia!' O, you should not rest

Shouting, “Olivia!” You could not rest

Between the elements of air and earth,

Alone on earth beneath a cloudy sky;

But you should pity me!

You’d sympathise with me.

OLIVIA

You might do much.

You’d do a lot.

What is your parentage?

What is your family’s status?

VIOLA

Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:

Superior to now, but I’m OK.

I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA

Get you to your lord;

Go back to your lord.

I cannot love him: let him send no more;

I cannot love him. Tell him, no more couriers…

Unless, perchance, you come to me again,

Unless, perhaps, you come to me again

To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:

To tell me how he took the news. Goodbye.

I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

And thank you for your troubles. Here’s some money.

VIOLA

I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:

There’s no fee for this letter. Keep your money.

My master, not myself, lacks recompense.

My master, not myself, needs compensating.

Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;

May Cupid make you love a heart of stone,

And let your fervour, like my master's, be

And may your love, just like my master’s, be

Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.

Rejected in contempt. Goodbye, cruel lady.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

'What is your parentage?'

“What is your family’s status?”

'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:

“Superior to now, but I’m OK.

I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;

I am a gentleman.” I’m sure you are.

Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,

Your tongue, your face, your limbs, actions and spirit:

Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:

Five proof-points you’re a gentleman. Hang on!

soft, soft!

Wait a moment!

Unless the master were the man. How now!

What if Orsino was like him—then what?

Even so quickly may one catch the plague?

Can someone really fall in love that fast?

Methinks I feel this youth's perfections

I feel like those perfections of that youth

With an invisible and subtle stealth

Are subtly, invisibly invading

To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.

Into my eyes and mind. Well, let it be.

What ho, Malvolio!

Hello, Malvolio!

[Re-enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

Here, madam, at your service.

Hello madam, I’m back and at your service.

OLIVIA

Run after that same peevish messenger,

Go after that ill-natured messenger,

The county's man: he left this ring behind him,

Orsino’s man. He left this ring behind,

Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.

Regardless if I wanted it. I don’t.

Desire him not to flatter with his lord,

Tell him he mustn’t overpraise his lord,

Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:

Nor give him any hope. He’s not for me.

If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,

But if that youth comes back this way tomorrow,

I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.

I’ll tell him why. Quickly, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO

Madam, I will.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

I do I know not what, and fear to find

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I fear

Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.

My mind’s usurped by what my eyes revere.

Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;

Fate, show your strength! You choose my destiny,

What is decreed must be, and be this so.

And what you choose for me to be will be.

[Exit]