ACT 2
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
Come over here, Sir Andrew. Staying up
midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
past midnight means we’re both up early; doctors
surgere', thou know'st,--
say that’s a good thing.
SIR ANDREW
Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
I’m not so sure. But I am sure to be up
late is to be up late.
late means we are both up late.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
A wrong conclusion, worse than empty tankards.
To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
To go to bed past midnight means that it's
early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
still early, and so bed past midnight means
to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
an early night. Aren’t we just made up of
four elements?
the basic elements?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists
Well, so they say, but I believe we’re made up
of eating and drinking.
of food and booze.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
Wise words, indeed. So let’s both eat and drink.
Marian, I say! A stoup of wine!
Hey Marian, bring us a jug of wine!
[Enter Clown]
SIR ANDREW
Here comes the fool, i' faith.
Eh up, here comes the fool.
CLOWN
How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture
Hello, my petals! Have you seen the painting,
of 'we three'?
“We Three” with two asses, and you’re the third?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.
Oh welcome, ass! Now, let’s all have a chat.
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast.
This fool has got a lovely singing voice.
I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
I’d give two pounds to dance as well as him,
and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has.
and sing as sweetly as that fool can sing.
In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
In truth, you were particularly funny
night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
last night when talking gibberish about
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus:
made-up astronomy of random stars.
'twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy
Well done. I tipped you with a coin to give to
leman: hadst it?
your sweetheart. You got it?
CLOWN
I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose
I spent it, so Malvolio the nosey
is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the
can keep his nose out; my lady’s taste’s refined:
Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
she won’t drink beer out of the bottle.
SIR ANDREW
Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done.
How excellent! This is the finest humour.
Now, a song.
It’s time now for a song!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.
Come on, here’s sixpence. Give us all a song.
SIR ANDREW
There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--
And here’s the same from me. If one knight gave a…
CLOWN
Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?
A love song or a song about good life?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A love-song, a love-song.
A love song, a love song.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, ay: I care not for good life.
Oh yes, I do not care about a good life.
CLOWN
[Sings]
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
My lover, dear, where are you roaming?
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
Oh listen here! Your truelove’s coming,
That can sing both high and low:
That can sing both high and low,
Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
Don’t dance away, my little sweeting,
Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know.
Every wise man’s son does know.
SIR ANDREW
Excellent good, i' faith.
Excellent, I tell you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good, good.
Good, good.
CLOWN
[Sings]
What is love? 'Tis not hereafter;
What is love? It’s not tomorrow.
Present mirth hath present laughter;
Humour now makes laughter follow.
What's to come is still unsure:
What’s to come is still unclear.
In delay there lies no plenty;
There is no point in wasting time
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
So kiss me now whilst in your prime.
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
We don’t stay young for every year.
SIR ANDREW
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
A pleasing, lovely voice, as I’m a knight.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A contagious breath.
Infectious vocals.
SIR ANDREW
Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.
Both very sweet and catchy, I believe.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
If listening through the nose, it would smell sweet.
But shall we make the welkin dance indeed?
But shall we make the heavens dance, indeed?
Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will
And maybe wake the creatures of the night,
draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?
and shake three souls out of a pious weaver?
SIR ANDREW
An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.
Oh yes, let’s dance. I’m like a dog on heat.
CLOWN
By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
Oh yes, come on, let’s do the dancing dog.
SIR ANDREW
Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'
Oh, good! Let’s sing the tune we know, “Our Knave.”
CLOWN
'Hold thy peace, thou knave', knight?
The one that goes, “be quiet, fool”, you mean?
I shall be constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.
If so, then I’m obliged to call you foolish.
SIR ANDREW
'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to
It’s not the first time I’ve behaved for one
call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'
to call me foolish. Start with "Hold thy peace."
CLOWN
I shall never begin if I hold my peace.
I won’t get started if I hold my ‘piece’.
SIR ANDREW
Good, i' faith. Come, begin.
Ha ha, touché. Come on, let’s sing.
[Catch sung]
[Enter MARIA]
MARIA
What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
What screeching cats are you folk keeping here?
have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
Call me a liar, but my lady ordered
turn you out of doors, never trust me.
Malvolio to throw you out the doors.
SIR TOBY BELCH
My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's
My lady’s bluffing; we’re too smart; Malvolio’s
a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.'
a busy-body. “We’re three merry men."
Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood?
Aren’t I related? Aren’t we family?
Tillyvally. Lady!
So, do one, lady!
[Sings]
'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
“There was once a man who lived in Babylon, dear lady.”
CLOWN
Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
This knight’s in splendid mocking form tonight.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed,
Oh yes, he does it well when he gets going,
and so do I too: he does it with a better grace,
and so do I. He’s ruder than me at it,
but I do it more natural.
but I’m more of a natural.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Sings]
'O, the twelfth day of December,'--
“On the twelfth day of December…”
MARIA
For the love o' God, peace!
Oh, for the love of God, shut up!
[Enter MALVOLIO]
MALVOLIO
My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have ye
Good lord, are you all mad? What’s this? Don’t you have
no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
manners or decency to not all bellow
tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
like drunkards late at night? Do you propose
alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
to make my lady’s house a pub, where you shout
coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
your cobbler’s songs without concern about
of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
the noise? Don’t you respect this place, the people,
time in you?
or even what the time is?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
We do keep time, sir, in our singing. Clear off!
MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
Sir Toby, I’ll be blunt. My lady told me
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
to tell you, though she puts you up because
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders.
you are a relative, she hates your conduct.
If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanours,
If you can split yourself from your behaviour,
you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
you’re welcome in this house; but if you can’t,
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
it’s better that you leave; she’s very willing
you farewell.
to say goodbye to you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
“Goodbye, my dear, it’s time that I was gone.”
MARIA
Nay, good Sir Toby.
No, good Sir Toby.
CLOWN
'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'
“His eyes look like his days are nearly done.”
MALVOLIO
Is't even so?
So it’s like this, then?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'But I will never die.'
“But I will never die.”
CLOWN
Sir Toby, there you lie.
“Sir Toby, there you lie.”
MALVOLIO
This is much credit to you.
Congratulations on this fine behaviour.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go?'
“Shall I ask him to leave?”
CLOWN
'What an if you do?'
“But what would that achieve?”
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'
“Shall I tell him to leave without a care?”
CLOWN
'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'
“Oh no, no, no, no, no; you wouldn’t dare.”
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
You out of songs? I doubt it. Are you more
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
than just a servant? And, as you are good,
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
do you believe all others can’t have fun?
CLOWN
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the
He does, by mother-of-Mary, and he won’t let
mouth too.
ginger spice it up.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
You’re right, you know. Go polish up your necklace with
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
some breadcrumbs. Now, a jug of wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO
Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
Now, Mary, if you value the opinion
thing more than contempt, you would not give means
of my lady in the slightest, don’t give
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
support to this unruly lot. I'll tell her!
[Exit]
MARIA
Go shake your ears.
Go shake your ears, you silly ass!
SIR ANDREW
'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's
It’s just about as useful drinking water
a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
when hungry as when challenging to fight
break promise with him and make a fool of him.
and then not showing up to make him look a fool.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
Do it then, knight; I’ll write the challenge for you,
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
and tell him of your outrage to his face.
MARIA
Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
Dear Sir Toby, enough tonight, because
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
the Count’s young boy was here today, and she’s had
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
no peace. And leave me with Malvolio
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
alone. If I can’t trick him into being
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
an ass, and make him look a fool, then I’m
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
not smart enough to lay straight in my bed.
I know I can do it.
I know that I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
Oh tell us, tell us something of your plan!
MARIA
Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
Sometimes he’s strict and morally conformist.
SIR ANDREW
O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!
If I’d have known, I’d beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason,
For being moral? Is that really fair,
dear knight?
dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
Perhaps it is not fair, but for me,
good enough.
it’s reason nonetheless.
MARIA
The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
He is about as moral as the devil,
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
and says just what you want to hear; that dumb ass
that cons state without book and utters it by great
learns worthy words by heart, then just repeats them;
swarths: the best persuaded of himself,
he holds such high opinion of himself
so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
that, due to all his splendid qualities,
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
he thinks that all who see him think he’s great.
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
And, with this vanity of his, I’ll find
notable cause to work.
a way to get revenge.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What wilt thou do?
What will you do?
MARIA
I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love;
I’ll make him find some vague letters of love,
wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
which—by the way they crave his coloured beard,
of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
his leg shape and the way he walks, his eyes,
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
his forehead, and complexion—he’ll believe
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
they are describing him. I write just like
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
my lady, who’s your niece; I had forgotten,
can hardly make distinction of our hands.
there’s hardly a distinction in our writing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent! I smell a device.
Quite excellent! I think I smell a plan.
SIR ANDREW
I have't in my nose too.
I think I smell it, too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
He’s going to think, through letters that you write,
that they come from my niece, and that she's in
that they are from my niece, and that she is
love with him.
in love with him.
MARIA
My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
That is my purpose, like a horse is brown.
SIR ANDREW
And your horse now would make him an ass.
And now your horse will make him look an ass!
MARIA
Ass, I doubt not.
An ass, I do not doubt it.
SIR ANDREW
O, 'twill be admirable!
It’s going to be quite wonderful!
MARIA
Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will
A right old laugh, I tell you. And I’m sure
work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
this plan will work. I’ll get you two to hide—
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
and with the fool makes three—where he will find
observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed,
the letter. Watch him read it. Now, it’s bedtime,
and dream on the event. Farewell.
and I will dream about it there. Farewell.
[Exit]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good night, Penthesilea.
Good night, tough Amazonian warrior.
SIR ANDREW
Before me, she's a good wench.
I tell you, she’s a proper cracking lass.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:
A thoroughbred, she is, and she adores me.
what o' that?
How could it be?
SIR ANDREW
I was adored once too.
I was adored once, too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
It’s time for bed now, knight. You need to get
more money.
some money sent.
SIR ANDREW
If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
If I can’t pull your niece, I’m going broke.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not
Send for the money, knight. But if you don’t
i' the end, call me cut.
bag her eventually, I’ll be castrated!
SIR ANDREW
If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
And if I don’t, I’ll tell you not to trust me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
Come on, I’ll make some mulled wine. It’s too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
to go to bed now. Come on, knight; come on.
[Exeunt]
